The irresistible Samuel Foote

Found- in the The common-place book of literary curiosities, remarkable customs, historical and domestic anecdotes, and etymological scraps by Rev. Dr. Dryasdust, of York. (London: John Bumpus 1825) these amusing anecdotes about Samuel Foote (1720 – 1777) the British dramatist, comic actor and theatre manager. Probably the best known quotation associated with him is a put down of an unnamed 'law lord'. Foote said of him- 'What can he mean by coming among us? He is not only dull himself, but the cause of dullness in others.' Dr. Dryasdust provides six anecdotes about Foote. The first concerns Samuel Johnson, who tried very hard not to be amused by him..the last, where he messes up his lines in Hamlet, has the spirit of Tommy Cooper or Stanley Unwin. His Othello was apparently a 'masterpiece of burlesque..'

1. Life's a poor player.

"Dr Johnshon said, 'The first time I was in company with Foote, was at Fitzherbert's. Having no good opinion of the fellow, I was resolved not to be pleased; and it is very difficult to please a man against his will. I went on eating my dinner pretty sullenly, affecting not to mind him; but the dog became so irresistibly comic, that I was obliged to lay down my knife and fork, throw myself back in my chair, and fairly laugh out. Sir, he was irresistible!"

Magician's 'Patter'

1945 book The Gag Bag by Harry Stanley, most of whose books - both as writer and publisher - were for magicians. This is specifically for magic acts. He writes:

 Many years ago Professor Hoffmann pointed out that patter which fits the personality of one type of magician, is by no means certain to suit other types... Magic has long been following a distinct trend in the direction of comedy. Magicians today are usually less solemn than the wizards of Hoffmann's time…every successful conjurer now injects some humour into his work -here then are some 'injections' which will arouse an audience to laughter.

The first few pages are about a 'Comedy Mind Reading Act' -the rest of the book is devoted to patter - jokes to warm up an audience, to fill the gaps when the conjurer is preparing his act etc.,


Of course, I never dare let my people know I was a magician. It would shock them. They think I'm still in prison.

I used to be a wallflower, until I took up magic. Now everybody asks me out. The other night at a show, I had only done one trick, and I was asked out. 

There are only two kinds of conjurer you can't trust – the ones with moustaches and the clean-shaven ones.

He is a magician. His brother doesn't work either.

[Spoonerist patter] – 'my next disaster piece' (masterpiece) 'my next misery' (mystery) 'I will now utter the tragic words' (magic words.)

Public house catches fire... 50 magicians homeless.

Will someone call out any number between 16 and 60? Thank you I only wanted to find out if anyone was still awake.

Heckler Stoppers (1950s magicians patter)

The publisher of this book was Harry Stanley (Unique Magic Studio Ealing) and most of his books were for magicians, especially books of 'patter' although these 'Heckler Stoppers' could be used by any comedian.

Heckler Stoppers

Please remember that the average audience will be on your side anyway and it should not often be necessary to use heckler stoppers... Use them only when interruptions are frequent and troublesome. Never lose your temper, and deliver these lines with a smile.

Why don't you crawl back into your nightmare?

Twice as many brains and you'd still be a half wit!!

How much you charge to haunt houses?

Don't worry folks he'll be gone in a minute - they're just cleaning his cage.

Is your family happy…or do you still live at home?

I don't know what makes you so stupid... But it works.

Is that your lower lip or are you wearing a turtle neck sweater?

You have a chip on your shoulder... Or is that your head?

Sir if I said anything to insult you... Believe me!

I'll name my next Breakdown after you.

Is your hair naturally wavy... Or does it go in and out with your skull?

2 jokes from the  section of 'TV gags' date this book firmly in the 1950s: 'My girls so dumb she thinks the English Channel is a Television Network' and 'Here's a real novelty breakfast food.In each packet we give you ninety plastic aircraft and a cornflake!'

E.V. Knox ('Evoe') Vitamins

 From the papers of Edmund George Valpy Knox (1881 - 1971), comic writer, poet and satirist who wrote under the pseudonym Evoe. He was editor of Punch 1932-1949, having been a regular contributor in verse and prose for many years.This piece is probably from the 1950s after his editorship. In the archives is a good pic of him, at present unfindable (will upload soon) - for the moment this below. He was married to the daughter of the Winnie the Pooh illustrator E.H.Shepard. Mary Shepard in her turn illustrated Mary Poppins. His daughter from an earlier marriage was the Booker prize winning novelist Penelope Fitzgerald - known in the family as 'Mops' and author of the book below on the gifted Knox family.

                             
VITAMINS
It seems to be the invariable practice of those who are recovering from the fall scourge of influenza; or desire to ward off its attacks, to eat grit. The substance takes various forms, but nearly every family consumes with one or other of its daily meals a spade or shovelful of marl, concretes sawdust, fine gravel, or sand.
    The discovery of this new diet basis was providential in the extreme. An eminent doctor was watching an ostrich at the zoo; and noticed the bird devouring several pieces of paving-stone and a couple of bricks. Interested he returned the following day and found the ostrich looking, if anything, fitter than before. Immediately the idea struck him:
    "What if vitamins lurk in the gritty part of farinaceous substances., banished by modern mechanical methods of food preparation from our daily fare?"
    Analysing a gritty substance he found a vitamin lurking there, and his theory was confirmed.
    Grit became instantly one of the most fashionable ingredients of the British breakfast menu. My friends the Wilkinsons emerge refreshed from the following imbroglio each day:

Oranges

Rubble

Sour Milk

Wholemeal Bread

Koffum

    A word as to one or two of the other salient features of this petit dejeuner.

    Sour milk was introduced many years ago from Bulgaria. An eminent traveller noticed that Bulgarians never died, and thought that there must be some reason for this, as visitors to Bulgaria were not nearly so fortunate. Analysing a Bulgarian, he found that he was entirely full of sour milk. This led him to suppose that the germ of sour milk is equivalent to the germ of perpetual life; and in many cases the hypothesis has been abundantly proved. More than one septuagenarian viveur has confessed that but for sour milk he would be no more than sixty or sixty five years old today.

I once met... Marty Feldman

The funny thing with Marty Feldman is that he came up to me -it was at Swiss Cottage, London and asked me the way somewhere.

He was in a hurry and when he saw that I recognised him (who couldn't? - it was those eyes) he waved his hands in front of his face as if to say 'forget all that mate, just tell me the way!' I like to think I put him on the right road. That was about 1970.

Oddly enough I saw him again in a mall in Westwood (L.A.) window-shopping with a woman (wife?) early evening in the summer of  1972. I was on holiday. I did not bother him. [Sent in by Barry Cox - for which much thanks.]